No Conclusion

I’ve lost my religion a thousand times before. And now, before I fight for it once again, my thoughts flow: “Of course I can I can recover my faith and believe almost fully one more time. But, do I really want to keep forcing myself to do so?” . Suddenly a rush of pure air hit me. The Holy Spirit it is, I know. It, or He, has never left me; always in my heart. And so, the Holy Spirit, seeds an awakening thought: “I know I can think I made the right choice by giving up on my religion, and I’ll feel free for a moment, and I’ll believe I’m being smart and wise. But do I really want to continue losing myself? Don’t I want to sign up to receive eternal and unconditional love? Don’t I want Jesus to hold my hand forever?

And of course, a counter proposition follows this one, as always. Which of the two little Monica’s in my shoulders have it right? Which of them knows the truth? Which of them will cultivate my thought-flow, my questioning, my logical thinking? And which will make me settle for the wrong choice, and stop my intellectual growth? And then, which will make me happy? Which will fulfill me? Which will drive me to where I need to be, where I’ll get peace and meaning? Well in conclusion, I believe that maybe, after analyzing both sides, after taking into consideration the benefits and the troubles, after truly introspecting right into my mind and soul, after scrutinizing each option… I have reached the conclusion there is no conclusion. That I do not know what life is all about. That I have no capacity, yet, to understand what is the larger-than-life element in this world, or in any world. That this doesn’t mean that I’ll stop thinking and questioning. Neither does it mean that I’ll give up on God, because there is a part of me that truly loves Him. A part of me that knows He is the only one who actually knows me, the one who loves me the most, the one who created me and will hold me forever if I let Him. And there is that other side that fears to be studied in the future, as a generation, and conclude that we believed in Christian Mythology. I don’t know about other people, but to me, that is an extremely terrifying thought.

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