Questions, Questions.

God said “I’m standing at the door and I’m knocking. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in.” -Revelation 3:20.

I seem to have headphones on because I haven’t heard that knock in a long time. Still, I know that Jesus’s hand is there, knocking at my door, constantly, patiently. Suddenly some distant sound disturbs me, so I decide to take one headphone off, at least for a little while, just to see what that far away sound is. And yes, it is a knock on the door of my heart, of my small and isolated home. I hesitate because I don’t know what to do, I do not know if I should go and see who’s there, or stay in my comfort zone listening to whatever the hell I am listening to. But I figure that a peek at the door won’t change my whole house. So I open the door an inch to see who is knocking and I realize it is Jesus, waiting for me to invite Him in. But I can’t because the moment I opened the door and saw Him, thousands of questions entered my home without permission. They pulled me up and threw me down, they pushed me from side to side, they hit my head and left me confused, they made me feel hopeless, they made me feel hopeful; in other words, they did this and that to me. These questions are absorbing time away, just like a sponge, but God still waits and does not rush me.

Analyzing all these questions I learned that I would actually like Jesus to come in, but that creates more questions. Will I be happy? Will I be able to live my own life? Or will I just be a puppet to God? Do I even deserve Him? And to this last question I am creating an answer. My house is messy, it is filthy, it is packed with so many meaningful, insignificant things that I wonder if I am leaving enough space for Him. I do want to make room for Jesus, there’s no doubt in that. But I wonder how am I going to do that if I have such a tiny heart. God deserves my whole heart, and I don’t know if I am capable of throwing everything else off-board. Thankfully, someone told me that I don’t need to change to get to God, but that I need to get to God and He will change me. This means that I can go one step at a time, holding His hand, trusting, knowing that I don’t need to be someone else for Him to love me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love God. But whoever knows Him, also knows that being close to Him is not free, neither is it easy. I guess it’s true that good things take time. That what’s worth the price, is always worth the fight, as my favorite band said once. Loving God is easy, having a strong relationship with Him is not, and yet it is not a burden because it’s worth it. Because that deep and unconditional love is the best feeling there is.

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